763 Mihaela Berciu:

Most people think they fear failure. Maybe consciously that’s true, but deep down most of us, especially women, actually fear success – and it is the one subconscious driver that can keep many women playing too small a game in business. My guest today Mihaela Berciu believes great entrepreneurs are built from the inside out and she works with business leaders, investors and top executives to help them diagnose and overcome their fears.

MELINDA

Hi, I’m Melinda Wittstock and welcome to Wings of Inspired Business, where we share the inspiring entrepreneurial journeys, epiphanies, and practical advice from successful female founders … so you have everything you need at your fingertips to build the business and life of your dreams. I’m a 5-time serial entrepreneur who has lived and breathed the ups and downs of starting and growing businesses, currently the game changing social podcast app Podopolo. Wherever you are listening to this, take a moment and join the Wings community over on Podopolo, where we can take the conversation further with your questions, perspectives, experiences, and advice for other female founders at whatever stage of the journey you’re at! Because together we’re stronger, and we soar higher when we fly together.

Today we meet an inspiring entrepreneur who on a mission to help women overcome their fears and appreciate their true value – and mentor entrepreneurs and executives to outsize success.

Mihaela Berciu is a coach

Great companies are made by great leaders, and great leaders are built from the inside out. Using her Core Values Model Mihaela has works with and advises board members, top-level managers, angel investors, and senior professionals seeking to excel in their careers and improve performance to drive even greater success. Mihaela’s client portfolio ranges from banking, financial consulting, pharmaceuticals, FMCGs, retail, fashion, television, aviation services, and more. She received her Executive Coaching Certification from Cambridge University, an MBA from the American University in London, and Studied Psychology of Mind and Theory of Knowledge at Oxford University. She was the host of a national TV show viewed by hundreds of thousands and is the author of two bestselling books “Dress for Success” and “Success is in the Details”. Her mission is to get leaders to experience their excellence by exploring values, understanding aspirations, removing barriers, and visualizing the path to their personal and professional success.

So let’s put on our wings with the inspiring Mihaela Berciu and be sure to download the podcast app Podopolo so we can keep the conversation going after the episode.

Melinda Wittstock:

Mihaela, welcome to Wings.

Mihaela Berciu:

Hi, Melinda. Thank you for having me.

Melinda Wittstock:

I want to talk to you about what it takes to live and lead fearlessly, because there are so many things an entrepreneur cannot control in business, and there’s a lot of things that are fear-inducing about the journey. How do you let go of all that fear?

Mihaela Berciu:

Well, as we all probably heard quite a few times, control is just something we think we have, as in reality we have no control over anything. I think as an entrepreneur, embracing this concept is probably the first step in leading fearlessly. Because if we focus on controlling, first of all, we miss out a lot on the bigger picture. I think we miss a lot of opportunities as well because control, in my opinion, and the way I see it, has the ability to control us more than we controlling any…

Melinda Wittstock:

I know on my own entrepreneurial journey building five major companies over the years, the one thing… Well, there’s so many things I’ve learned, but the one thing is that you can’t control everything. There’s a lot of things beyond your control. The only thing you really can control is how you-

Mihaela Berciu:

[inaudible 00:01:51]-

Melinda Wittstock:

… react or-

Mihaela Berciu:

… want.

Melinda Wittstock:

… lead in that circumstance, how you control everything from your own mindset to what actions you’re going to take. How do you flip that for people, like the clients that you work with, getting them to relinquish control?

Mihaela Berciu:

Well, as you rightly mentioned it at the beginning, control is fear based. The minute you understand what’s this fear all about and where does this fear come from, it then becomes much easier to deal with it, to release that fear, and as a consequence release the need to control everything. First of all, fear’s manmade. They don’t really exist. We create them in our mind, in our conscious mind. Once we become aware of these fears, their grip over us loosens by at least 50%. Then, the more you work with these fears, the more you release them.

Fear is also a defense mechanism, a defense mechanism that at one point has worked. But as we progress in life and we mature emotionally and professionally, we should be releasing it. But, nobody tells us all those things that you are afraid of when you are younger, or a teenager, or when you started in life now they have no added benefits to you, to your life. We carry these fears and we keep piling things through these lenses that these fears create for us. That’s my approach, understanding what this fear is, where is it coming from, how my client ended up being engrossed in these fears, and then releasing them.

Melinda Wittstock:

Often, we get what we fear. And sometimes we don’t even know what we fear because it’s so deeply embedded in our subconscious. How do you work with people in that context? Sorry. Because you can often look at a person’s life, and what they’re experiencing is often a clue to what they actually fear.

Mihaela Berciu:

In most cases, what I observe is that what people think they fear is not really what they fear. My process is based on identifying the emotional blockages that led to certain patterns of behavior which are based on certain needs. Fear is an element that feeds these needs, whatever they may be.

Melinda Wittstock:

What are some of the most common underlying fears? Because you say that what we think we fear isn’t what we actually fear. So what are some of the things that you find… Especially with your female entrepreneurial clients, what are the true underlying fears?

Mihaela Berciu:

Well, for example, most of my clients and the people I speak to, they think they fear failure, and fear of failure probably being one of the most commonly perceived, if you want, fears. When in reality, majority of those people fear success.

Melinda Wittstock:

Right. Break that down. What is it about success that they fear? Because I think this is really true, especially for women and-

Mihaela Berciu:

Yes, it is.

Melinda Wittstock:

… underlying… What could be wrong with success? What do they fear?

Mihaela Berciu:

Oh, well, surprisingly, the most common fear of success is their belief that they don’t deserve it. If they become successful and they have a low self-worth, which, sadly, I don’t think I’ve met yet one person who hasn’t suffered of this… And we can get into that why later. But if your level of self-worth is low, then anything that would validate, or rather invalidate that belief, will make you fear it because the subconscious can’t deal with things that invalidate what is embedded there. A very open and strong success would go head to head with the belief that you are not worth it, that you’re not good enough, that you don’t deserve it. The difference between not being worthy of something and not deserving something, it’s very fine, but very strong, very powerful.

Melinda Wittstock:

This leads to things like imposter syndrome, right?

Mihaela Berciu:

To an extent. To an extent.

Melinda Wittstock:

That’s the common one for women, this idea like, “Oh, my god. Someone’s going to find me out.”

Mihaela Berciu:

I think imposter syndrome, from my experience, is more common with men, with my male clients, I observe this. With women, it’s more they tend to hold themselves back and expose themselves less because they think they’re not worthy or they don’t deserve it. Whereas with men, they tend to throw themselves into whatever new opportunity and they’ll think, “I’ll deal with it.” They know they’re not necessarily ready or prepared for that level of role, or business opportunity, or whatever it is. But the way they think is, “I’ll catch up. I’ll find my ways. It doesn’t matter. All I need is to grab it.” Whereas women think, “Oh, no, no. I have to do some more work. I have to improve myself to better myself and then I can take this opportunity,” or, “Then I’ll be ready. But until I’m ready, it’s not fair. I shouldn’t do it. I should let someone who’s better than me.” That’s what I’ve noticed and what I see my clients experiencing.

Melinda Wittstock:

Underlying the fear then, if we think that we’re not worthy of success, the manifestation of that, I’m hearing you say, is women just not taking opportunities or not pursuing them, delaying that until they perceive that they’re ready. Of course, in that context it’s very difficult to succeed as an entrepreneur because-

Mihaela Berciu:

Exactly or-

Melinda Wittstock:

… impossible.

Mihaela Berciu:

… it’s very difficult, full stop.

Melinda Wittstock:

Yeah. Yeah, no. It’s really true. Because I mean, the essence of entrepreneurship is doing something that hasn’t been done before. I mean, especially the type of swing for the fences sort transform whole industries type of entrepreneurship, which you don’t see as many women attempting as men. I would like to see more women doing that kind of thing. But in order to do that, it requires, I guess, a little bit more of that masculine like, “I’m just going to jump in and build the plane as I fly it.”

Mihaela Berciu:

Exactly. Correct. Correct. And I agree. I would love to see more women having that attitude and just throw themselves in there. I had a conversation with a very, very dear friend of mine yesterday, actually. She is still employed, and she’s been toying with the idea of starting her own business for quite a while now.

I asked her, “What’s going on?” She said, “Oh, well, I think I should postpone it for maybe March or April. Things are not very certain right now. At least I have a salary. I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want this. I don’t want that.” Then, I had some conversations not long ago with some guys and they were like, “Oh, my god. Now is the time because it’s so uncertain. Now you can really make an impact and make things happen faster.” That’s exactly what most women think like and how most men think like.

Melinda Wittstock:

A lot of women cancel themselves out before they’ve even tried, which is tragic.

Mihaela Berciu:

Right.

Melinda Wittstock:

This is really a big mindset shift. Sometimes I wonder whether women, because we’re so relationship focused, that we’re really worried about what other people think of us if we decide to swing for the fences like that. Will other women like us? Will men be threatened? I mean, all these other things. I think it comes down to, really, will we be cast outside of the tribe for daring to show that level of ambition. Do you think that’s an underlying fear?

Mihaela Berciu:

I do. I do. I do believe that. I’m going to say something that hopefully is not going to be too controversial. But what upsets me a lot is the fact that women do not support other women. Of course, I’m generalizing because it’s a majority. In the majority of cases, that happens. There are exceptions to that rule, as always. But more often than not, we see women who bring down the other women instead of supporting them to succeed. That’s not something that happens with men. Men rally around each other, and they support each other. They know that if they support this guy today, when he’s going to be successful, he will definitely support them to progress and to prosper. Whereas in most cases with women is because they have this fear and because they would like to have the courage, when one woman has the courage to step out of the mold, so to speak, they tend to emphasize all the risks and increase the fears instead of saying the opposite and supporting them, and encouraging, and giving the feeling of that tribe that is there for you.

Melinda Wittstock:

Yes. A hundred percent. I think it’s changing a little bit. But I remember going way back in my early career, and I had a female boss. She would go out of her way to make life more difficult for me. I think the mindset there was it was difficult for her, so it had to be difficult for every other woman. It was really strange.

I found my early mentors as an entrepreneur were all men for that reason. One of the reasons I launched this podcast was specifically to change that. Successful women tend to be perhaps a little bit more generous with that support. But I think the other thing, too, is because women get so stuck in the doing, and being busy, and doing everything for everybody else that they have very little time to give forward. Even if they have the inclination to be in that more abundance-minded spirit of wanting to help other women, they’re so busy in the doing and all the things and everybody they’ve got to please that they don’t have time for other women.

Mihaela Berciu:

One thing I’d like to pick on in what you just said, and that is they spend way too much time trying to please everyone. That is correct. If they would use their time in a more even selfish way, or more inwardly, or more about themselves, I think women would have a lot more time to help each other and a lot more time to give. Especially in today’s world, if one spends time pleasing others, then they tend to have no time even for their own needs, let alone the needs of others.

Melinda Wittstock:

I think that’s so, so true. How in practice do you help women work through these things? Because they’re so embedded in our, I guess, collective unconscious as well as personally, and we all swim in the same soup. How do you help people, women especially, get through these issues?

Mihaela Berciu:

The focus is, again, pretty much on their beliefs and what we know, the limiting beliefs mostly, and helping them bring them into consciousness. Because as you know, all these limiting beliefs, they lurk in the subconscious, and most of the time we’re not aware of what’s going on. Shedding light over this beliefs, these patterns of behavior is the first step, if you want.

The other thing that I do with all of my clients, and with women it works actually really, really well, is I help them identify their core values. The model that I work with, that I came up with, is three core values and three attributes for each of this three core values.

The reason I work with these attributes is because you and I could have the same core value, let’s say honesty. But if honesty for you it means telling the truth but for me one of my attributes of honesty would be do not lie, we would think we act the same way when in reality we would act very differently. Because for you, telling the truth means telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Whereas for me, not lying, it means that whatever I’m telling you is true, but I’m not telling you everything. The reason I’m not telling you everything is not because I want to withhold information, is because my practical mind either summarizes the whole story or picks just those pieces of information that I believe are relevant and are important. But if you would find out that there’s more to the story than I told you, you would label me as a liar, which would offend me greatly because according to my core value and how I understand honesty as my core value I did not lie.

It’s obvious how based on the same core value we would act very, very differently and we would interact with the world very differently. That’s why I started working with these three attributes for each of these core values. Interestingly enough, I’ve seen the same core value come over and over again, but hardly ever there would be even one attribute that would come across to two or more people.

The reason I work with this system is because it becomes the blueprint of the decision-making. When we have to make a decision, if we get that gut feeling, that nudge that tells us something is just not right, which we all call gut feeling, in reality it comes from a misalignment with our core values or with an attribute of our core values.

Whenever you get this feeling, this gut feeling, if you know your core values and their attributes and you look at them, it becomes very quickly very obvious where the misalignment is. Then it’s very easy to negotiate whatever is going on to align it with your core values, in which case the outcome will always, always work to your benefit. But if you don’t know your core values and you start negotiating subconsciously with your core values to match whatever situation you’re in, that’s not sustainable. Because long term, whether you realize it or not, you always reverse to your core values because that’s how you make decisions. That’s how something is right or is wrong for you. It’s based on your core values. From your core values stem all your beliefs, the positive beliefs.

That’s another system that I work with my clients. It’s very helpful because it brings a lot of clarity and it helps them overcome or build more confidence. Once you build confidence, then you don’t need to please anymore. Also, once you have clarity and confidence, it reduces overthinking. Your mind is clear. You have more time. You focus on what matters. Because of that confidence, you then start actually enjoying helping and supporting others.

Melinda Wittstock:

We started the conversation talking about control and control being a fear-based thing. Often, along the entrepreneurial journey, there can be a lot of anxiety and stress, this feeling that your work is never done, the constant overwhelm. How do you help entrepreneurs with that?

Because the one thing you can take for granted about this journey is it doesn’t go in a straight line. I like to use the sailing metaphor where you can get to your destination, but the winds are going to change, the currents are going to change, the weather’s going to change, and you have to zigzag to get to where you’re going. You come to really understand that as a seasoned entrepreneur so you kind of know what you’re in for so you develop that muscle. But for first-time founders, they don’t necessarily know that. That’s sort of the control issue, I guess. But, how do you help folks through that anxiety that comes with just the uncertainty, the self-doubt, all that stuff?

Mihaela Berciu:

Well, practically, I help them focus on what does failure mean. Because I don’t believe in failure. I don’t think failure exists. I think this is a label that is only meant to bring fear and is actually a concept that is used as a control mechanism and sadly is used in schools a lot. From a very young age, we grow up with this idea of failure, and failure carries a lot of shame, and guilt, and frustration with it. When in reality, just because an outcome is different from the one we expected, it doesn’t mean it’s failure. If we would embrace that different outcome and be curious about the opportunities that it opens, in most cases we would find out that it leads us to a better result.

But because we are taught that we have to control the outcome, we have to set an expectation which is set in stone, there’s no flexibility there, if you don’t reach that exact result, it means you failed. That’s very ingrained in our minds. That’s the kind of work I do, and that’s what I encourage my clients to work with. There is nothing set in stone in life. Nothing. And there’s nothing set in stone in business.

If an action leads to a different outcome, pause and look at that outcome. Don’t focus on what didn’t happen. Because with everything in life, what didn’t happen has a much more negative effect on us than what actually happened. Focusing on what happened and what are the opportunities, what’s there, what’s happening there, and where can you take it from there gives a lot of flexibility and makes the whole journey a lot more interesting and takes away anxiety. Because if you look at something with curiosity, that’s positive. That carries positive energy. Whereas if you focus on a certain outcome, a certain expectation, that brings anxiety. If you can switch, “I’m going to do this, and I think this is what’s going to happen, but let’s see,” and then whatever outcome you get, if you work with it and you keep your curiosity open, where is this leading, in most cases you going to have a lot more success than if you had the outcome you expected.

Melinda Wittstock:

Tell me about what made you want to do this work and become a coach and help people with this. What was it in your own experience that made you think, “Yeah, I’m going to jump into this and help other people with these issues”?

Mihaela Berciu:

It wasn’t planned. I fell into it. I was guided into it. I grew up in Romania during communism, so my forming years were under a system that was not only very rigid but it was very much based on fear. It was very interesting to me to observe that and to observe how people would act in public and then how different they would be behind closed doors and how this opposing, completely opposite reaction.

As I grew up, I became more and more interested in human behavior and how we end up acting in a certain way. I also found very interesting how one situation is a total disaster for someone, but at the same time it can be a goldmine for someone else. That was what sort of sparkled in me the curiosity to learn more about human behavior.

Then, I introduced in Romania 20-something years ago the concept of personal branding. Working with top level executives on their behavior, their appearance, everything that represented them, I realized that actually there’s more to this. It’s more than meets the eye. I started studying more psychology and theory of mind and all sort of concepts like this.

Then, I moved to London. Moving to London, I realized I have to up my game, so I did a coaching degree. From that degree, I took bits and bobs from all the methods that I was taught and created my system, my method, and been doing it ever since.

Melinda Wittstock:

What were some of the challenges that you experienced within yourself around all these themes that we’ve been talking about? Because launching a business, even with all the expertise, and the Cambridge degree, and the this, and the this, and that, still, there are probably some things that you got confronted with as well. What were some of those, and how did you overcome them?

Mihaela Berciu:

For me, I think more what I… Well, what was it? What would it be? I think more the operational side of running a business was… because I used to be quite impatient. I’m a Leo, so I want things to happen now.

Melinda Wittstock:

I’m the same. I’m a hundred percent the same. Also a Leo, although I’m sort of a Cancer-Leo cusp, so I got a little bit of both. But yeah, I totally get it. I’m totally impatient as well.

Mihaela Berciu:

That was one thing that I needed to learn to slow down a bit and also allow the people I work with to catch up. The other thing that I observed is because I have a way of quick thinking, I wasn’t taking the time to explain my thoughts and share my thoughts fully. Just because I thought something, in my mind, everyone else should’ve known what was in my mind and what were my thoughts. That annoyed me when they didn’t read my mind. I had to learn to communicate more clearly.

The benefit of that, what I learned, by taking the time to explain my thoughts out loud, helped me to actually crystallize them and helped me to notice what needed to be adjusted. Because the way thoughts run in our minds, in our heads, when you start speaking them out loud, they tend to sound quite differently. That’s a good technique, if you want. Before making a decision, saying it out loud to someone or even to yourself I find it very helpful in deciding whether it’s a good idea or not. Was there anything… I’m sure there were lots of other things, but I think these two are definitely the ones that stuck with me, probably needed most attention.

One other thing which was clearly a defense mechanism for me, and it’s also something that is in my culture, in the Romanian culture, Eastern European culture, I used to be quite sarcastic. I didn’t realize how much negative impact that had. I thought I was funny. I thought I was lightening up situations or I thought… There’s a saying in Romanian that says, “If you want to say the truth, you say it laughingly or jokingly.” I thought I’m doing that. But then I learned and I understood that it’s not that. It’s a defense mechanism. I worked with that, and I hopefully erased it completely. But yeah, sarcasm used to be something that I needed to work on.

Melinda Wittstock:

Oh, fantastic. What’s the best way for people to work with you? Tell me about your ideal client and how they… I’m just going to say all that again. For anyone listening to this that thinks, “Wow. I’d really like to work with Mihaela,” what’s the best way, and what type of client are you looking for?

Mihaela Berciu:

The best way is, of course, reaching out to me. I usually do an eight-hour session to begin with. After a one-hour conversation, if I feel and if that client feels that they would like to work with me, then I do an eight-hour one-on-one session which helps me understand exactly how ready they are for my process, because my process is intensive.

I tend to work with my clients for a year, 12 months. I don’t want to work with them for longer than this. I don’t want to become a prop for them. It’s a year where we go. We meet every month for half a day, and we dig deep to see what are the limiting beliefs, what are the emotional blockages. We start with patterns of behaviors and we go backwards and touching on business, touching on whatever they need support with, but it’s always going to the root, to the cause. I don’t work with the effect. Because if you want a long-lasting change, you have to work with the cause. And to work with the cause, you have to be ready to open up and to accept what’s going on.

In this eight-hour session, people, we in general, we can keep up our appearances and our walls and everything for about an hour, if we’re really, really good at it, two hours. But longer than that, you start showing who you really are, what you’re all about. Then, if after this eight-hour session we both decide we’re a good match, then we embark on a year-long program.

My ideal client is anyone, whether business owners, people who want to embrace entrepreneurship, or senior level executives, who are… They would have to be around 40. I’ve only had one client younger than 40 that I worked with, and we achieved amazing results. But usually, the ones who are younger than that are not yet fully ready to do the emotional work that needs to be done and to be curious, and open, and take life with a pinch of salt, I guess.

Melinda Wittstock:

Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for putting on your [inaudible 00:40:26] today.

Mihaela Berciu:

Thank you, Melinda. Thank you very much. I really enjoyed this.