808 Darleen Santore:

When you have a why, versus trying to ‘will’ yourself every morning to do something, you’re going to be lit from within versus trying to light a fire under you every single morning.

For example, were to put an anthem to your life of what you want to create, to what you’re good at, to what really calls to you, what would you want that anthem, that theme, that message, to be?

Mine is greatness, because ultimately everyone wants me to help be their greatest version. My mission statement is to motivate, inspire, and awaken greatness in myself and others globally. I now have a why.

So, what’s your anthem? What is the song you would sing from the rooftops about your life’s purpose and mission? Darleen Santore says all entrepreneurs need clarity of purpose to reframe adversity and overcome it.

MELINDA

Hi, I’m Melinda Wittstock and welcome to Wings of Inspired Business, where we share the inspiring entrepreneurial journeys, epiphanies, and practical advice from successful female founders … so you have everything you need at your fingertips to build the business and life of your dreams. I’m a 5-time serial entrepreneur and the CEO and founder of Podopolo, the interactive app revolutionizing podcast discovery and discussion and making podcasting profitable for creators. I’d like to invite you to take a minute, download Podopolo from either app store, listen to the rest of this episode there, and join the conversation with your questions, perspectives, experiences, and advice … Because together we’re stronger, and we all soar higher when we fly together.

Today we meet an inspiring entrepreneur, occupational therapist and sought after thought leader on a mission to help executives, entrepreneurs and sports stars overcome adversity and step into their greatness.

Darlene Santore knows a thing or two about how to bounce back from adversity in your life. If you’re an entrepreneur you come to learn how to make adversity your friend, reframe it in a positive way, so to be able to overcome it and live your best purpose-driven life.

Darlene will be here in a moment, and first,

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You’ve probably heard lots of talk about entrepreneurs needing to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Isn’t that the truth? There is so much we cannot control, so many challenges that come with innovating something new, so much uncertainty as you chart your most certain mission.

Today we’re digging deep into adversity – and how to reframe it to your advantage to overcome it. Easier said than done right? But Coach Dar, otherwise known as Darleen Santore, has a tried and true method to help you step into your greatness – and learn “The Art of Bouncing Back: Find Your Flow to Thrive at Work and in Life – Anytime You’re off your Game” – also the title of her book.

Let’s put on our wings with the inspiring Darleen Santore and be sure to download the podcast app Podopolo so we can keep the conversation going after the episode.

Melinda Wittstock:

Darleen, welcome to Wings.

Darleen Santore:

Thank you so much for having me on.

Melinda Wittstock:

Bouncing back is definitely an art. It’s easier said than done, and it’s something that all entrepreneurs have to get good at. Let’s just start with the basics of what is the art of bouncing back?

Darleen Santore:

Here’s the thing, the art is, one, learning the foundation, the principles of what’s needed to bounce back; it’s building emotional fortitude, it’s building some grit. It’s learning the necessary tools to build this solid mental foundation, so that when life hits-

I wrote the book because I can’t take away life being hard, but I could certainly help you get stronger as adversity comes. You learn the art of just handling, I would say, the hits of life; you flow with it. Some years are good, some months are good, some are challenging. And you learn to ebb and flow by the shift of your perspective, by the mental fortitude, and the ability to reframe things to see it as a lesson.

Melinda Wittstock:

Oh, the reframing is critical. It’s taken me a while to arrive at this as a serial entrepreneur, but the understanding of when there is adversity or when something isn’t going well, it is an opportunity.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

When I look back, and understanding when did I grow the most, it was usually in a time of adversity.

Darleen Santore:

Absolutely. Everyone, truly, if we did a panel, which in the book I had to do a lot of research, but everyone I’ve helped over the years; everyone will say that they learned through the adversity, they got stronger through the adversity, and they often made better changes in their life after the adversity.

Melinda Wittstock:

Yeah, but it’s tricky when you’re going through it, right? [inaudible 00:02:34]. Because you work with all these professional athletes, CEOs, startup founders, business leaders, everybody’s operating at a high degree of- Sorry. Everybody’s operating at a high degree of pressure, and a lot of that pressure is self-imposed, right?

Darleen Santore:

Very. Very

Melinda Wittstock:

And so we all have this idea of what success is, and a lot of that is even imposed, and what we think success is. Talk to me a little bit about your process of walking through that, because when we are in adversity and we can feel all kinds of negative emotions, like shame or fear, or all these different things.

Darleen Santore:

Well, let’s start- You’re an entrepreneur listening, and you’ve just started something you’ve always wanted to or you’re in the thick of it, you might even be 10 years into it. I have been running my practice for anywhere from 15 to 17 years, I lost track at this point. There’s still many years where it’s going well, many years where it could be challenging. Obviously, we had the pandemic. But the adversity is going to hit.

This is what I want to remind everyone, listening, your skills and talents didn’t get taken away. You might have a challenging year, or the product, the process you have to change, supply chain, but you and your talents and your gifts did not get taken away.

The way the bounce back system works, the principles, is you start by embracing the [inaudible 00:04:14]. When a hit comes, you have to embrace it, meaning you as the CEO of this company have to say, “What is it are we dealing with?” Just like when you’re in battle, the general’s got to go, “What is it that we are dealing with?” Because when you can embrace it, you could deal with it, but if you don’t, you honestly could keep making the same mistake over and over because you don’t want to deal with the adversity.

Embrace it and then you move to understanding your hard wiring. This is where I get entrepreneurs, CEOs, and everyone, re-centered to how they were made; what are their gifts? Just like in sports, there’s a scouting card that we pull from. I help people create a confidence card. Because, just what you said, you start to doubt yourself. When a challenge comes, you even start to say, “I don’t know, am I even good at this anymore? Should I be doing this anymore?”

Melinda Wittstock:

Right.

Darleen Santore:

And that doubt sets in. I want to remind people, yes, that might be a reflection point where, possibly, there has to be change in the process the way you’re doing it. Or it could just be a bad, a tough season. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Maybe how you’re looking at it needs to shift, but it doesn’t mean you are bad. That’s where the reframing comes.

A bad year, a bad season; maybe you didn’t get what you wanted in the business doesn’t mean you are bad. That’s where we have to remove and separate the emotion from the action. Because we sometimes become the action, we feel it when we needed to remove it.

I had a player come off of playing the game and he’s telling me how bad he is, and I said, “Hold on, you get to say this for two more minutes.” He’s like, “Did you not see the game?” I said, “Oh, that was bad, but you’re not. You’ve got to reframe this right now.” That’s what we have to do in life and business. A bad day does not mean a bad life, does not mean we’re a bad person or a bad leader.

Melinda Wittstock:

Yeah. Well, there’s so much in entrepreneurship we can’t control.

Darleen Santore:

Oh, absolutely. Everything. We can’t control 90% of what’s happening, to be honest, in the world around us, but we can control our effort and our attitude and how we see things.

Melinda Wittstock:

Exactly. Once you come to terms with that, it’s actually very freeing, but it can be very difficult in the moment, and depending on the people that you have around you as well. This is very important because I think if entrepreneurs are lonely in that, and don’t have anybody that they can talk to about it or help them frame it that way, it’s very easy to spiral into that, especially if you have-

Darleen Santore:

Yes.

Melinda Wittstock:

People around you who are doubting you.

Darleen Santore:

1000%. That’s why the power of community is so important. Whatever that community is; one person, two people, 10 people, a board of directors, you want to put personal- I have someone in my life; I have two really great mentors that anytime I have to talk through things, or I start at something tough. I say, “I need 24 hours. I need to be able to call, talk about this, and then I’ve got to move forward,” and they’ll help me reframe it; they’ll help me see it for what it is. And they might help me say, “Hey Dar, this is something you’re going to need to shift.”

Melinda Wittstock:

Right. Well, that’s an interesting question, is how do you know when it’s a shift of perspective that’s needed, or it’s a shift in, I don’t know…

Darleen Santore:

The process.

Melinda Wittstock:

The process, or do you have the right team members? Do you have the right strategy? All those things.

Darleen Santore:

That’s why I really, really encourage people to put- If you can’t hire someone to be your coach, honestly, which I think if you can, it’s so helpful because you get an unbiased- And someone that’s been through it; someone that understands what you’re doing, that understands business. This isn’t just writing goals for your life. If you’re needing help as in a business, you need someone that has executive experience, that has business experience, so pick a coach that has the experience of what you want to grow in.

If you can’t do that, then find a mentor that has the experience, because there is going to come time where you don’t have the answers, or you and I may be the problem. It may not be that we have to shift our perspective, but we actually have to shift the process of what we’re doing, and that may take outside mentorship and guidance to help us see what the new path could be.

Melinda Wittstock:

Oh, of course. Because entrepreneurship, if anything, it’s constant learning and curiosity. If you even think of a staging of a business; say I’m a tech founder. From the idea stage, to then getting into product market fit where you actually have customers willing to pay you and you put it out, through the scale, through all those things, who you’re being and what you’re doing in the business needs to grow along with the business.

Darleen Santore:

Yes.

Melinda Wittstock:

And those are interesting, somewhat painful pivot moments, because you constantly have to be growing as a person.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah, very much.

Melinda Wittstock:

To be able to fit into those changing rules. At those kind of intersections, do you find that that’s where people hit a wall and have to regroup? And think, “Okay, so who am I being pre-revenue? Who am I being at a million dollars? Who am I being at, I don’t know, 10 million? Who am I being as the business scales?”

Darleen Santore:

Two things come to mind. First, for every level you grow requires an elevated mindset. That’s very important to understand, because when you get certain levels you have to elevate your growth in your mindset because you’re dealing with more, you’re seeing things at a higher level.

Equate this to we’re hiking up a mountain. The base of the mountain is your first billion, then you start going and the top of the mountain says 1 billion. For every level you go, you have to elevate how you see things. What got you here is not going to get you there. You have to keep figuring out process, potential, what you need to learn, how you need to see things, where you’re going to lead.

That’s just one thing to just take note of, because sometimes I see people as they grow, they stay in the same mindset, and you have to keep growing as you grow. There’s just new challenges, honestly. There’s new opportunities too, but keep putting the people around you that are going to help you with that.

The other part is just being aware that you’re going to get consistent feedback along the way, and as a leader, you have to be open to taking that feedback. When you understand how to accept and receive feedback from trusted sources around you, you could go faster. In the pros, they will watch game right when they sit back on the bench, literally, of the play they just played to get feedback, so when they go back out within minutes, they could already be better.

In the entrepreneurial world, we wait to get feedback sometimes. It’s not like you get a yearly performance review when you’re running your own business. We sometimes wait too long to get feedback. You want to inject this into your daily part of your life. Reach out to people; ask them, “Hey, what’s it like doing business with me?” Or, “How was that conversation or that meeting?” But seek and apply feedback constantly to grow.

Melinda Wittstock:

Darlene, that’s such important advice, to be getting that mentorship and coaching and constant feedback. As entrepreneurs, sometimes I think we can get stuck a little bit in a comfort zone. I don’t know if you’ve ever read that book by Gay Hendricks, The Big Leap?

Darleen Santore:

Oh, I know about it. I haven’t read it, but I know.

Melinda Wittstock:

It’s really interesting because he talks about the difference between being in your zone of excellence and being in your zone of genius, and how very, very few people ever really get to zone of genius and stay in that zone of genius because zone of excellence is kind of comfortable.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah. Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

And you’re reframing. It’s almost like an acceptance, or at least this is how I’ve come to see it, is being comfortable being uncomfortable, if you will.

Darleen Santore:

A lot of people hear this term and they start to almost get frustrated with it. They’re like, “I know I’m supposed to get comfortable being uncomfortable.” What I want to say to that is hear it differently. To your point, when you said excellence to genius, that’s where I was saying for every level you go, you have to grow. You truly do, which means you have to take feedback, and you have to put yourself in situations that are going to challenge you, that are going to push you.

The correlation I try to make with entrepreneurs is not everyone likes to get in a cold plunge. It’s cold; it could be anywhere from 38 degrees to 45 degrees. No matter how you look at it, no one chooses to just, “Let me go sit in this for a few minutes.” But what it does is it shows- When I take people through this process that I do with them, they usually are going in the cold plunge with me because I’m trying to show that the more you do this, the more your brain goes, “Oh, we understand this now.’ Now, it’s still cold, but it’s not a shock as, “I’ve never experienced this anymore.” You go, “Oh, I know what this is. I don’t like it, but I know how to breathe through it, I know what to do.”

Shift this to, now, in business and life. The more you put yourself in uncomfortable situations; having to let go of people to put the right people on the bus again; having to have that difficult conversation; having to take a new risk in the business, even if it’s financially, or branching out, recreating something. Every time you push yourself to try these things again and again, this is part of bouncing back. This is part of the resilient spirit. You start to go, “Hey, it’s not that I don’t feel this anymore because it’s still uncomfortable, but I know what to expect and I know how to handle it.” You are better prepared for challenges. I keep trying to say, you’re better as a general in this battle; you know how to prepare the troops and yourself because you put yourself in situations that challenged you.

Melinda Wittstock:

[inaudible 00:14:39]. I suppose there’s an accumulated confidence that comes from that too?

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

Going through that multiple times, you’re kind of like, “Oh, okay, I know what this is.”

Darleen Santore:

Absolutely.

Melinda Wittstock:

And you know that [inaudible 00:14:51]. You know that you’re going to make it to the other side. You don’t necessarily know exactly how.

Darleen Santore:

Yes.

Melinda Wittstock:

But you know that you will.

Darleen Santore:

And let me just say this, it’s the player at the end of the games. It’s like, “Give me the ball I’ll try to make the buzzer shot.” Now, they don’t always make it, but they’ve built enough confidence to say, “More often than not I can make this shot, but if I don’t put myself in this pressure situation, I’m never going to be confident to take it.” That’s what I’m saying to everyone listening right now, is if you don’t put yourself in these situations, you’re never going to have the confidence to build it, to do it.

Melinda Wittstock:

Are there any things that are more specific to women as entrepreneurs, particularly in industries that are male-dominated, and what we deal with, say in tech, or in finance, or in some of these other areas?

Darleen Santore:

Is there anything specific that you’re asking?

Melinda Wittstock:

On this podcast, more than 800 episodes in, perfectionism comes in, overwhelm. These feelings or a feeling of, and I think this is tied to perfectionism, feeling you have to do it all; not being able to delegate.

Darleen Santore:

Yes.

Melinda Wittstock:

All these things, to me, seem like fear in a little pink ribbon.

Darleen Santore:

It’s so true. I would say a majority of the CEOs that I coach, female CEOs, founders or entrepreneurs, you hit it. That’s one of, probably, the number one things, is I feel like I’m failing. Because usually it’s, “Well, part of the business is going well, but my family life is falling to shambles,” or, “I can’t be there for the kids cause I have to be there for this meeting, I’m not sure what to do,” and then they start to doubt their worth in their roles.

The reframing of this and the coaching of it is we’re never going to have a balanced wheel, so open communication is going to be your best friend. You literally have to teach your family, your business and everything, saying, “Hey, there’s times I’m going to be able to be present, which means it’s going to pull me away from this.”

If you know have a big project coming in, it’s sitting down with your family to say, “Hey, mom is about to go into this big project,” which is so exciting because you could teach your kids the ability to go after a goal and see what happens when on the journey to go there; they’re going to learn through you. But you could say, “Mom’s going to be really busy for this next week, so if I can’t be with you, I want you to know I love you, but we’re working on something special and I can’t wait to share this with you on the other end.” You’re teaching them lessons.

Because what happens is, and I coach so many of my female entrepreneurs with this, you teach them how to handle this. Whereas before it was like, let me just try to be all things, and then we’re teaching our kids we’re trying to be all things, which is not possible.

The same goes for work by the way. Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey, my child has something so important, I’m going to have to be there for this, which means I can’t be there.” Obviously, if it’s not something that you can’t change. But you could say, “We’re going to have to schedule this after” whatever it is your kid has that you want to be there. Or you’re going to do the family vacation you’ve wanted to do and everything gets scheduled around it, so that you could say, “I’m choosing to be fully present with my family.” Again, you’re teaching work, and you’re teaching the people around you what it looks like to be present.

The greatest power we have is presence. I don’t teach balance, I teach presence. When you could teach presence, it’s like I’m going to be present during this speech, during this project we’re working on work, or when I’m with my family. I can’t teach balance because balance is almost like chasing perfectionism, at this point, in our world.

Melinda Wittstock:

Because I think women do feel this pressure to be all things to all people while balancing a drink on a tray in high heels, right?

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

It’s so inculcated and, I think, deeply embedded in our subconscious. So getting out of that and knowing that you can’t be all things to all people at all times. But I love what you’re saying because it’s almost a question of boundaries, but it’s also knowing what you want and being able to communicate it.

Darleen Santore:

Communication is the key to this. The other thing is we have to be the women who show what this looks like now. The roles in the past were, “Oh, look at the woman. She’s able to multitask, she could do it all.” That actually hurt us, because men were allowed to do one thing at a time and that’s what they do; that’s just how men are wired. Okay, to some extent.

What we have to do is to say, “Hey, we want to be able-” Multitasking is not our friend. The brain was never meant to multitask because you can’t do everything great. But, like I’m saying, if you communicate and say, “Hey, I’m going in on this project. I love you all. Mom’s got to work on this. I have to be here at this day, but we’re going to be able to do this on the other day together,” and teach them the lesson of what came out of that, now you don’t have the pressure of trying to be perfect and balance at all. You’re saying, “Let me be unilaterally focused when I’m in the project and then when I’m home.” Obviously, the best you can. None of this is perfect but what we’re trying to do is I’m trying to shift mindsets, like I said, to teach about presence versus balance.

Melinda Wittstock:

Everything you’ve said about balancing motherhood with your business applies to your team as well.

Darleen Santore:

Yes.

Melinda Wittstock:

And on this podcast it comes up that a lot of women get kind of trapped at a certain phase of growth and become their own bottleneck because it’s kind of like, “Oh, it’ll be faster for me just to do it.”

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

Rather than to delegate or to even hire people early enough in the growth of a business.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah. Oh, gosh. That is something I learned the hard way. I wish I hired people to help me earlier, more of them. It’s an expense at first, but if you don’t, it almost becomes a liability not to.

Melinda Wittstock:

It’s true. Because you can look at them as an expense or as an investment.

Darleen Santore:

That’s [inaudible 00:21:19].

Melinda Wittstock:

If this was bringing in revenue, what’s the result that person’s bringing in as opposed to what am I hiring them to do?

Darleen Santore:

Even as much as having my assistant that’s been with me. I have a few people that help me that they’re not necessarily going to be bringing in project ROI from a manager to the assistant to certain people in my world. But what they do is they free up time for me, and that time allows me to go and create, to do, to expand, to be present. So the ROI is really in the flow and the freedom they give me to bring in the business that’s needed, and touch the lives that I want to fully being present again.

Melinda Wittstock:

So, so important. You talk in your book, as well, about the idea of a personal purpose statement. Tell me a little bit about that. Do most people even know what their purpose is?

Darleen Santore:

No.

Melinda Wittstock:

Okay, this is a big question, but how do you find your purpose, and why is it so elusive to so many people to know it?

Darleen Santore:

Well, I think this is another thing people hear and then they want to know because it seems so massive. But, to break it down, it’s no different than when Simon Sinek talks about your why, and I lead with why-power over willpower. When you have a why, which is your purpose of why you’re going, versus trying to will yourself every morning to do something, you’re going to be lit from within versus trying to light a fire under you every single morning. So how do you get to that? You get to that because you sit and you think- Again, this could shift for you, so I don’t want anyone feel like it’s got to be absolute for the rest of your life. But it will be around the same themes.

For example, when you sit and you were to put an anthem to your life of what you want to create, to what you’re good at, to what really calls to you, what would be something that if we were sitting there on your 100th birthday and we were toasting to your life, what would you want that anthem, that theme, that message, to be? When you start to just contemplate that, you could say-

Mine is greatness, but how I started is my mentor said to me, “Dar, Laurie Beth Jones,” she’s the one who created this process that I use. I said, “I want to have people to truly believe and achieve all that they’re called to.” She’s like, “I need one word.” I was like, “I don’t know what that is.” Then it came to greatness, because ultimately everyone wan  ts me to help be their greatest version. When I looked at that and I said, “Okay, awakening greatness.” My mission statement is to motivate, inspire, and awaken greatness in myself and others globally. I now have a why.

Then, when I went through various challenges in my life that it was hard to get up. I was like, “Dar, you may have had challenges in your business or in your health, but you could still get up and awaken greatness. Maybe it’s through Zoom, maybe you can’t be there in person.” But I get up every day and I don’t need a role or a title to go awaken greatness. It doesn’t matter whether I’m CEO or I’m not. It doesn’t matter what’s in my bank account. It doesn’t matter whether I was a mom or not a mom. You want to make your why not tied to a specific role or time in your life.

Another example is a CEO I did this with. He said, “My why is value.” I said, “Tell me more.” The way we broke it down is he said, “I want to know when I get up in the morning, that I add value. When I walked into the office, that I add value to the company, to the people around me. When I come home, that I add value to my wife’s life, to the conversation, to my kids.” Do you see how this starts to have power? Because now when he has intention for his actions every day, it’s around his why, it’s around purpose. All of his actions are driving towards this purpose. Did it add value?

Mine is all of my actions are, did it help awaken greatness, excellence, confidence, belief? It all ties into that word. All of my actions now are literally steered around this. I now have intentionality, I have vision, I know where I’m going. Every day it’s not just waking up going, “Well, what are we going to do today, on Tuesday?”

Melinda Wittstock:

There’s such a simplicity and clarity in that. How long did it take you Darleen, to really get the clarity on that statement, because it’s so powerful when you say it; it’s just so obvious and clear.

Darleen Santore:

It took me a good month. It really took me a good month because I kept playing with words. I could take people through it and probably find it within a week with them, just because I’ve been doing this so long. But for me, it took me a good month because I kept shifting a little bit, but when I got clear, it became very clear. I would say that with the right coach and the right person around you and mentor, or even your own self-discovery, you could probably get to in a week if you have good quiet time to get quiet and really think about it. Just sit and think, if we were to do a 30 for 30 show on your life, what would the anthem of the story be? What do you want it to be? What do you want when people are speaking about your life, what are the words that they are using to speak? That you led with integrity? That you were a person that definitely was on a mission for this? Because you’re creating what they are perceiving.

Melinda Wittstock:

So powerful. I remember, years back in an entrepreneurial group that I was in, we had to write what would be on our tombstone because the whole theme of this was legacy.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

Most people don’t think about this. There’s so much research, that people at the end of their lives, the worst is the regret that they just didn’t try or they didn’t go for it.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

They just went along and lived the sort of life of should’s that is not you; it’s imposed on you from your childhood or media or education, any these things. Trying to get at what your true essence actually is, like why, it’s so vital for anybody, an entrepreneur or anybody at all, and separating those things out.

With your clients, do you find that often people are motivated, or do you start to get a sense that they’re motivated by an external should as opposed to what’s actually intrinsic to them?

Darleen Santore:

For sure. I think most people, as life goes on- I really think it’s between the ages of, now even as early as, I would say, 12 years old to about late sixties, we really get locked into what we should be doing because it’s this pressure of society now. With all the things and images that we see, who we should be, what people are putting expectations on us of who we should be, and that’s how we start to live out of. We live out this process of, “Oh, this is what we should,” versus intrinsically, “No, this is who I am and who I was created to be.” I always preface this too. I do not want anyone to have a free pass when they hear this to say, “Well, this is how I am. Take it.”

Melinda Wittstock:

Yeah.

Darleen Santore:

[inaudible 00:29:14].

Melinda Wittstock:

Because it’s confusing. Like, oh, I’m just this way and that’s that, but that is, I guess, a can out though as well.

Darleen Santore:

Yes. When people say this, and honestly, with all of social media, “Be who you are,” it starts to give people permission for bad behavior. Because it’s like, well, this is in essence of who I am. Okay, well if the essence of who you are is not a good human, that is not leading with integrity, that is not of a kindness and an awareness. Well, that’s not healthy, and you have to take ownership of that.

I often say to people that I want you to be your best self, but it’s one that you’d want generations to be able to follow that example every day; that had extreme ownership, that had a level of excellence, that had high emotional intelligence, that led with integrity. These are the things that we want to cultivate in essence of who you are. You could be that painter, or you could be that architect, or you could be that leader that leads maybe a little different than others, but still the nature is something that’s going to add value to this world, not hurt.

Melinda Wittstock:

I think there’s such opportunity in that, particularly for women entrepreneurs. I think we’re at this stage now where there’s almost like a fork in the road. We can try as women, I’ve seen some women do this, try to fit into a very masculine structure in terms of the way they build their business. And others who say, actually no, there’s an opportunity to completely reinvent this in a way that’s authentic and true to me.

It’s tricky because you can get buffeted around. You’re out raising capital, you’ve got to fit into existing systems and structures, and yet you want to change some of those structures. That’s a tricky thing to navigate. Where do you think women leaders can be true to that purpose statement best while navigating all of that? What is around you and what it is that you want to change?

Darleen Santore:

I think being aware of your environment is important; that’s emotional intelligence. You have to know, you have to have awareness. There’s a certain way you could come into a room or say something, knowing the environment you’re in. That’s why I was saying you can’t just be like, “Well, this is how I am. Take it.” No, you have to have awareness of the setting you are in.

Then, once you have awareness of that setting, bringing the true gift of who you are to that table is the thing that would be best for you to do. Because you were made with a calling and a gift inside you, so to try to copy a way that isn’t fitting to who you are is never going to let you flow or reach your highest level. I often say to people, that’s why I keep going back to, bring your ultimate presence of who you are to the table.

Let me give an example of this. I used to be the mental skills coach for the Phoenix Suns, so I would travel with them everywhere. I was one of one handful of females that were with the team, so I was around men all the time. One thing I would do is I still brought my personality, I still brought compassion, and I still brought the feminine side of me. So while I understood the environment, I was in a locker room or on the court at practice, I would still, as they were coming in, give them a hug and say, “How’s your heart? How you doing today?” I was bringing my feminine energy to a very masculine environment.

Over time, I remember a player coming up to me one breakfast we had on the road, and he said, “It is absolutely felt when you’re not here.” He’s like, “You just bring a light and a mood to the space that we need,” and he’s like, “I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate it.” If I had not done that and I just tried to conform to what I thought the space lent to, I would have never brought the gift that they needed.

Melinda Wittstock:

That’s so inspiring. Because when we are true and authentic, and true to ourselves, there’s such a power in that that sort of has a providence about it.

Darleen Santore:

It does. You’re not trying to be something else. You’re trying to be- You have to look and say, “What is the gift that I have that’s needed for this environment, and how can I share it?” Again, this takes this dog-eat-dog competitiveness out in a competitive environment, and just said, “Wait a minute, what is the presence and gift I need to bring to the room?” Do you see how that just changes the feel? Now people want to be around that versus you repelling someone from you. You’re attracting more than your forcing when you’re in your flow state.

Melinda Wittstock:

I love that you mentioned flow state, because when we’re really there, we’re actually really manifesting. We’re manifesting all the time. We could be manifesting good things or bad things, but they’re there to do with what’s in our head. What are those kind of fears and how to just get increasingly conscious? You mentioned being present and it comes back to that, being in that conscious awareness which is presence.

Darleen Santore:

Yes. Flow is everything. If you start overthinking something, it’s going to end up actually to cause you some more challenges. If you see an artist in flow, an athlete in flow, a leader in flow, a speaker in flow, they’re not overthinking it. They have already prepared, done everything they could and they just let it happen. It is, essentially, just coming through them at that point. But flow state doesn’t come from forcing it.

Melinda Wittstock:

Oh, I have learned that so many times.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

You can be running on the task treadmill and getting nowhere.

Darleen Santore:

Yes. Because oftentimes you think, like we’ve heard before, you think, “Oh, I’m busy, I’m doing this,” but you’re not getting anything done.

Melinda Wittstock:

Yeah.

Darleen Santore:

It’s like close the tabs. Close the tabs and just do one thing at a time.

Melinda Wittstock:

You work with a lot of really, obviously, top people in the world of sports and business and whatnot. Is there an ideal client, if there’s someone listening to this show right now? Who are you looking for and how do you work with people?

Darleen Santore:

Generally, it’s the person that wants to continue to elevate their impact in this world. It’s someone that wants to keep lifting the cap off, and continue to push into, flow into, really elevating their impact, their influence. They’re usually someone that likes to optimize.

I’m definitely not the coach for the person who is just starting to figure out the process and they don’t want to take action. I’m definitely the coach that comes alongside and they’re like, “I want to go, I want to grow, I want to get to the next level. I want to make a greater impact and have a better influence that leads generational change and influence.” That’s more of my client. Because we-

Melinda Wittstock:

I love it.

Darleen Santore:

Yeah.

Melinda Wittstock:

We’re playing a big game with people who want to play a big game, it sounds like?

Darleen Santore:

Absolutely. Yep. We usually join hands for a year or more. It’s an investment in making that impact, but it always ends up making that impact.

Melinda Wittstock:

What’s the best way, Darlene, for people to find you, work with you?

Darleen Santore:

They could go to coachdar.com, that’s my website that has all the information. LinkedIn is Darlene Santore, which you could find. Then, also, on social media @TheCoachDar. I put up a lot at Mental Fuel. I have a show on Fireside Chat, which is a platform where you could find a lot of tools and tips on various things in life. But if you go to coachdar.com, that has all my information and that could take you to all those links. And stay connected, reach out if you need anything. I’d be honored to work with anyone listening that wants to make a greater impact in this world.

Melinda Wittstock:

Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for putting on your wings and flying with us today.

Darleen Santore:

I appreciate you having me on and taking the time.